Thursday, 7/6

I’m a freak. There’s just no way around it.

(And we’ll pause here for a second while you shout out at the top of your lungs “Tell us something we don’t already know”. Go ahead, do it. I know you’re dying to.

There. Feels better, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, I found out I’m a freak last night while I was reading the June edition of “Men’s Health” magazine. Yes, I’m a little behind on my reading, but I’m trying to get caught up, and that’s when I came across an interesting statistic. The story had to do with losing weight, and the statistic was one of those little factoids that “Men’s Health” sticks everywhere it can in the magazine. The statistic was this--only five percent of American men have a waistline that’s 31 inches or smaller.

Guess who has a 31 inch waistline, and therefore qualifies as a freak? Yup; you guessed right.

I now know why it’s hard for me to find pants that fit. If only five percent of us have waistlines that are 31 inches or smaller, there’s probably not much of an incentive for clothing makers to make pants of that size. Add to that the fact that I have freakishly longs legs (a 34-inch inseam, to be particular), and well...I’m screwed.

You can find a few pair of pants that have a 31-inch waist; it is hard, though, and not just because pants makers seem to find odd numbers weird and make most of their product with 30 or 32 or 34-inch waists. Most of the 31-inch pants that you can find have shorter inseams. You can find men’s pants that are 31-30 or 31-31 (the first number being the waist size, the second the inseam); it’s near impossible, though, to find pants that are 31-34. Apparently there aren’t a lot of skinnier, long-legged people out there.

Those of us who are, then, apparently qualify as freaks.

This is a problem I’ve had most of my life. While in college, my pants size was actually 29-34, which is now impossible to find, so in a way I guess starting to work out and thereby adding a little muscle to my body was a good thing. If I’m having problems finding pants that fit properly now, think what it would be like if I actually had a smaller waist than I do now.

I’d be keeping several clothing alteration places in business single-handedly.

I can get away with wearing pants that have a 32-inch waist, even if they do look a little baggy on me. It sure would be nice to actually have pants that are designed to fit my body; however, after reading that statistic last night, I know that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. After all, it appears I’m a freak. And with the way Americans are expanding these days, it looks like I’ll become more and more of a freak as time goes by.

A freak, of course, with pants that don’t fit.

(jim@wmqt.com)